From the Archives: This I Believe (2007)

Since I haven't written in quite a while (I need new material; actually, I just need to take a break from something called life), I thought this would be an opportunity to pull something out of the archives. There is a segment on NPR called "This I believe," in which individuals write about their beliefs. I wrote my own essay on Jan. 25, 2007 - This is uneditted to stay true to my feelings as a single woman, a perspective that I no longer have.

Later that year, I met my future husband, who is every bit as wonderful as I had hoped and believed. Someone who loves me for me, even though I am still my old headstrong, independent self. I dedicate this to my fabulous single friends who are seeking their person...

This I believe. I believe there is someone special out there for me. I believe in true love and even though I haven’t found it yet, I will find it someday. I know so many unmarried women in their 30s like me or beyond. From the outside, we appear confident, carefree. We’ve taken designer jeans and martinis over babies and commitments. We are wild things who don’t want to settle down. I think there was a time in my life when I needed to be carefree, to explore the world and learn about myself. But with each passing year, there is a small voice of doubt in my mind that gets louder and louder. I try to push it aside, ignore it, but it is constantly there.

Even though most of us won’t admit it, deep down we are all wondering the same thing, “will I ever find the right man for me?” I don’t see this question as a weakness, nor do I think it is a pressure pushed on to us by society. Everyone wants to be loved unconditionally. Why can’t the single girl have this? Will this make her happy? Will this make her whole? When do I get the chance to experience marriage?

My single friends are beautiful, intelligent, gracious women who have chosen not to get married yet. But we forget that it’s a choice. I think the majority of us could be married now, but we haven’t felt as though we’ve found the match or the timing wasn’t right or we’ve been disappointed by men. But, with grit and determination, we continue to grow and develop into truly amazing women. So after all of these accomplishments, who says that we don’t deserve a man who will love us as we are, as equals? A man who will not be intimidated, someone who will help us continue to grow. But the doubts linger, “are these men out there?” “Will I find them?”

Our mothers raised us to believe that we could be whatever we wanted to be. Education was the top priority. My mother challenged and pushed me to excel in academics, to pursue my dreams and never give up. She descended from a generation of pioneers. Women who were given three options – nursing, teaching and secretarial work.

I think the generation of women I belong to have made our mothers proud. Among my closest group of single friends, you would find all with post-graduate education, a doctor, lawyer, pharmacist, just to name a few. Since we were brought up actually believing in our souls that one of us could be the first female president, perhaps the legacy we will leave is not quite as lofty as those before us, but necessary all the same.

Perhaps the legacy of this generation of single woman is that eventually, women will not be subjected to the ridicule (intentional or unintentional) of those who are in the married club. The constant questions of why aren’t you married or why don’t you have a boyfriend eat away at the hardest defenses we single women have developed. It is my hope that we will take this suffering as a sacrifice so women of younger generations will be able to be truly comfortable and truly happy as single. They won’t have to build the armor that we have so carefully constructed after years of bad dates, comments from concerned family members and idle chit chat with strangers who “just can’t figure you out.”

Us single girls try so hard to feel comfortable and content with our current lack of marital status. We have excelled in so much, but our armor isn’t sufficient. We haven’t succeeded at one thing society says is success – finding a husband. And I have to wonder that once we finally do possess what was seemed so remote, that we may wish to have our single lives back again. But we can’t know until we get there. But you know what they say, the other side always wants what the other one has.

So you see I have to believe in love. I have to believe that it is out there for me. I have accomplishments, degrees, high powered jobs and awards. But what good are they unless you have someone to share them with and create a family of your own? Who says that the modern day single girl can’t have it all? I have to believe that we can. I have to believe in the hope that one day myself and all my single sisters out there will find a guy who challenges and accepts us, just as we are. The perfect match has to exist. This I believe.